Chapter One - Isn't There a Better Way?

Part Two-

Living For Myself

My own self-centered approach to romance started young. Even though i grew up in a Christian home, by the time i reached junior high i had embraced a very ungodly attitude toward relationships. I didn't fear God. Despite my parents' diligence and godly example, i was living for sin and my own pleasure.
The older guys on my gymnastics team bragged about the difference girls they had slept with. I was mesmerized by their stories. Sin sounded so enticing. With a friend i stole pornographic magazines from a bookstore and pored over them, stoking the fire of my own sinful cravings - I was enslaved to lust and girls were nothing more than objects to satisfy my desire. One night i stuck out of the house for a prearranged meeting with three girls and made out with each of them one after the other.
Looking back, i'm sickened by these memories, but at the time i only wanted more. The fact that i remained a virgin during those years is, to be honest, a miracle. it had everything to do with God's mercy and nothing to do with any self-control or virtue on my part. I can easily be brought to tears when i think about where i'd be today if God had not chosen to intervene.
God convicted me of my disobedience through a message given by Randy Alcorn at a retreati attended my freshman year in high school. Randy spoke about heaven. He talked about how Jesus died for my(our) sins. Even though i claimed to be a Christian, as i listened i knew that i wasn't living for God. I had to change.
I repented of my sin right then, and when i got home from the retreat i threw away the pornographic magazines and paid the bookstore for what i've stolen (I was too embarrassed to tell them in person, but i left a note with the money on the counter). At the same time i quit the gymnastic team and got involved with my church youth group. My next girlfriend was a Christian and we didn't even kiss. I became a student leader and gained reputation as someone who was serious about his faith. I assumed that my love life was now pleasing to God. But i still had a lot to learn.

Not Quite Forever

Althoughi'm grateful for the changes i made then, i now recgnize that much of it was superficial. I wasn't sneaking out to meet girls in the middle of the night anymore, but most of my wrong attitudes remained the same. My main concern were still my own gratification and the fun i could gain from relationship with girls. I liked the way i felt when a girl liked me. I enjoyed the rush i got from flirting or expressing my feelings to a girl. I was still very immature and selfish.
In church my friends and i played the dating game with passion - more passion, i regret to say, than we gave to worshiping or listening to sermons. During sunday morning services we passed notes about who liked whom, who was going out with whom, and who had broken up with whom.
During my sophomore year, my involvment in the dating game took a more serious turn. That summer i met Kelly. She had just become a Christian and was new to my church. She was beautiful, blond, and two inches taller than me. but i didn't mind. Kelly was popular, and all the guys liked her. Since i was the only guy who had nerve to talk to her, she ended up liking me. I asked her to be my girlfriend at the youth group water-ski retreat and sealed our new relationship with a kiss.
Kelly was my first serious girlfriend. Everyone in our youth group recognized us as a couple. We celebrated our "anniversary" every month. Finding ways to spend time together and worrying about the current status of our relationship consumed my energy.
Kelly knew me better anyone else. After my folks were asleep, Kelly and i would spend hours on the phone,often late ino the night, talking about everything and nothing in particular. We though God had made us for each other. We talked about getting married someday. We began to express our feelings phyisically. I promised her that i would love her forever.
My parents didn't want me in a serious relationship, hey enjoyed the time she spent with the family. Their love for both of us blinded them to the fact that we were headed in a dangerous direction. They had no idea about our sinful physical relationship. I hid from them. I never lied outright to my mom and dad, but i half-answered questions and tried to put things in a better light.
Like many high school relationships, our romance was premature - too much, too soon. And our struggle against sexual sin was a losing battle. Though we never actually had sex, we were dishonouring God. We were violating each other's purity, our spiritual lives were stagnant as result.
After a summer missions trip that kept us apart from for two months. I ended the relationship.
"We have to break up," I said to her one night after a movie. We both knew this was coming.
"Isn't there any chance we can have something in the future?" she asked.
"No," I said, trying to add resolve to my voice. " No, it's over."
We broke up two years after we'd met. Not quite "forever," as I had promised.

Chapter One - Isn't There a Better Way?

PART ONE -

SO THIS IS LOVE?

Beyond What Feels Good, Back to What Is Good


IT WAS FINALLY HERE - Anna's wedding day, the day she had dreamed about and planned for months. The small, picturesque church was crowded with friends and family.
Sunlight poured through the stained-glass windows, and the gentle music of a string quartet filel the air. Anna walked down dthe aisle toward David. Joy surged within her. This was the moment for which she had waited so long. He gently took her hand, and they turned toward the altar.
But as the minister began to lead Anna and David through their vows, the unthinkable happened. A girl stood up in the middle of the congregation, walked quietly to the altar, and took David's other hand. Another girl approached and stood next to the first, followed by another. Soon, a chain of six girls stood by him as he repeated his vows to Anna.
Anna felt her lip begin to quiver as tears elled up in her eyes. "Is this some kind of joke?" she whispered to David.
"I'm...i'm sorry, Anna," he said, staring at the floor.
"Who are these girls, David? What is going on?" she gasped. "They're girls from my past," he answered sadly. "Anna, they don't mean anything to me now...but i've given part of my heart to each of them."
"I thought your heart was mine," she said.
"It is, is it," he pleaded. "Everything that's left is yours." A tear rolled down Anna's cheek. Then she woke up.

BETRAYED

Anna told me about her dream in a letter. " When i awoke i felt so betrayed," she wrote. "But then i was struck with these sickening thoughts: How many men could line up next to me on my wedding day? How many times have i given my heart away in short-term relationships? Will i have anything else left to give my husband?"
I often think of Anna's dream. The jarring image haunts me. There are girls from my past, too. What if they showed up on my weddng day? What could they say in the receiving line?
"Hello, Joshua. Those were some pretty lofty promises you made at the altar today. I hope you're better at keeping promises now than you were when i knew you."
"My, don't you look nice in that tuxedo. And what a beautiful bride. Does she know about me? Have you told her all the sweet things you used to whisper in my ear?"
There are relationships i can only look back on with regret. I do my best to forget. I laugh them off as part of the game of love that everyone plays.
I know that God has been faithful to forgive as i've asked Him to. And i know that the various girls have forgiven me, because i've asked them to.
But i'm still aware of the consequences of my selfishness. I gave my heart away too many times. And i took from girls what wasn't mine.