Part Three
A HEART MADE NEW
I was seveteen years old when my relationship with Kelly ended. I walked away askng,"Is this how it's supposed to be?" I felt discourage, confused, and desperate for an alternative to the cycle of short-term relationships in which i found myself.
For the first time i really began to question how my faith as a Christian affected my love life. There had to be more to it than "don't have sex" and "date only Christian." What did it mean to genuinely care about the girls i knew? What did it feel like to really be pure - in my body and my heart? And how did God want me to spend single years? Was it merely a time to try out different girls romantically? Was dating such a good idea for me?
Books like Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot and long talks with my dad and mom began to change my perspective. Slowly, and in spite of my resistance, God was peeling away layer after layer of wrong thinking, wrong values, and wrong desires. Some people who hear about my decision not to date till i'm ready for marriage assume that my heart must've broken. No, my heart was made new by my Savior(Jesus). The change in my attitude was the result of realizing the implications of belonging to Him(Jesus). The Son of God died for me! He came to free me from the hopelessness of living for myself. That had to change everything - including my love life. Having a girlfriend was no longer my greatest need. Knowing and obeying Him(Jesus) was. I wanted to please Him in my relationships even if it meant looking radical and foolish to other people - even if it meant kissing dating goodbye.
THIS IS LOVE
I've come to understand that God's lordship in my life doesn't merely tinker with my approach to romance - it completely transforms it. God not only wants me to act differently; He wants me to think differently - to view love, purity and singleness from His(Jesus) perspective, to have a new lifestyle and a new attitude.
The basis of this new attitude is God's love for us. John explains the connection between God's love and the way we relate to others in
1 John 4:10-11(Bible Verses)
This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son, Jesus, as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
Do you see what John is saying? God's amazing love for us at the cross provides both the example and the power for us to love others. Peopl whose sins have been forgiven through faith in Jesus' death on the cross can't live or love the same ever again. We've been set free from our old self-centered life. We used to be controlled by God's love.
In 2 Corinthians 5:14;15(Bible Verses), Paul writes:
For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that One(Jesus) has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who their sake died and was raised.
The Bible teaches that if we truly trust in Jesus Christ, we die to our old way of living. And we can no longer live for ourselves - we now live for God and for the good of others.
Because of that, relationships with the opposite sex can no longer be about "having a good time" or learning what i want in a relationship." They're not to be about getting, but giving. Every relationship for a Christian is an opportunity to another person like God has loved us. To lay down our desires and do what's in his or her best interest. To care for him or her even when there's nothing in it for us. To want that person's purity and holiness because it pleases God and protects him or her.
So whether or not we take a break from dating, if our dating is controlled by Christ's love it will look so radically different that the relationships around us that we'll want to come up with a differnt name for it!
In recent years, i've tried to let God's love as displayed at the cross define the way i love members of the opposite sex. This kind of love leads to some very practical changes in the way a person approaches relationships. Personally, i've come to some pretty intense conclusions for my life. I've come to realize that while friendships with the opposite sex are great, i have no business asking for a girl's heart and exclusive affections if i'm not ready to consider marriage. Until i can do that, i'd only be using that girl to meet my short-term neeeds, not seeking to bless her for the long term. Would i enjoy having a girlfriend right? You bet! but i wouldn't truly be loving her and putting her interests first.
As i've sought God's will for my life, i've discovered that a relationship wouldn't be best for me or for the one i'd date right not. Instead, by avoiding romantic, one-on-one relationships before God tells me i'm ready, i can better serve girls as a friend, and i can remain free to keep my focus on the Lord.
So even though i'm not romantically attached, i'm loving the girls in my life more than i ever did in the past. And not with the selfish kind of love i practiced so often in the past. I'm loving them based on what God says is truly loving.
True love isn't just expressed in passionately whispered words or an intimate kiss or an embrace; before two people are married, love is expressed in self-control, patience, even words left unsaid.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Chapter One - Isn't There a Better Way?
Part Two-
Living For Myself
My own self-centered approach to romance started young. Even though i grew up in a Christian home, by the time i reached junior high i had embraced a very ungodly attitude toward relationships. I didn't fear God. Despite my parents' diligence and godly example, i was living for sin and my own pleasure.
The older guys on my gymnastics team bragged about the difference girls they had slept with. I was mesmerized by their stories. Sin sounded so enticing. With a friend i stole pornographic magazines from a bookstore and pored over them, stoking the fire of my own sinful cravings - I was enslaved to lust and girls were nothing more than objects to satisfy my desire. One night i stuck out of the house for a prearranged meeting with three girls and made out with each of them one after the other.
Looking back, i'm sickened by these memories, but at the time i only wanted more. The fact that i remained a virgin during those years is, to be honest, a miracle. it had everything to do with God's mercy and nothing to do with any self-control or virtue on my part. I can easily be brought to tears when i think about where i'd be today if God had not chosen to intervene.
God convicted me of my disobedience through a message given by Randy Alcorn at a retreati attended my freshman year in high school. Randy spoke about heaven. He talked about how Jesus died for my(our) sins. Even though i claimed to be a Christian, as i listened i knew that i wasn't living for God. I had to change.
I repented of my sin right then, and when i got home from the retreat i threw away the pornographic magazines and paid the bookstore for what i've stolen (I was too embarrassed to tell them in person, but i left a note with the money on the counter). At the same time i quit the gymnastic team and got involved with my church youth group. My next girlfriend was a Christian and we didn't even kiss. I became a student leader and gained reputation as someone who was serious about his faith. I assumed that my love life was now pleasing to God. But i still had a lot to learn.
Not Quite Forever
Althoughi'm grateful for the changes i made then, i now recgnize that much of it was superficial. I wasn't sneaking out to meet girls in the middle of the night anymore, but most of my wrong attitudes remained the same. My main concern were still my own gratification and the fun i could gain from relationship with girls. I liked the way i felt when a girl liked me. I enjoyed the rush i got from flirting or expressing my feelings to a girl. I was still very immature and selfish.
In church my friends and i played the dating game with passion - more passion, i regret to say, than we gave to worshiping or listening to sermons. During sunday morning services we passed notes about who liked whom, who was going out with whom, and who had broken up with whom.
During my sophomore year, my involvment in the dating game took a more serious turn. That summer i met Kelly. She had just become a Christian and was new to my church. She was beautiful, blond, and two inches taller than me. but i didn't mind. Kelly was popular, and all the guys liked her. Since i was the only guy who had nerve to talk to her, she ended up liking me. I asked her to be my girlfriend at the youth group water-ski retreat and sealed our new relationship with a kiss.
Kelly was my first serious girlfriend. Everyone in our youth group recognized us as a couple. We celebrated our "anniversary" every month. Finding ways to spend time together and worrying about the current status of our relationship consumed my energy.
Kelly knew me better anyone else. After my folks were asleep, Kelly and i would spend hours on the phone,often late ino the night, talking about everything and nothing in particular. We though God had made us for each other. We talked about getting married someday. We began to express our feelings phyisically. I promised her that i would love her forever.
My parents didn't want me in a serious relationship, hey enjoyed the time she spent with the family. Their love for both of us blinded them to the fact that we were headed in a dangerous direction. They had no idea about our sinful physical relationship. I hid from them. I never lied outright to my mom and dad, but i half-answered questions and tried to put things in a better light.
Like many high school relationships, our romance was premature - too much, too soon. And our struggle against sexual sin was a losing battle. Though we never actually had sex, we were dishonouring God. We were violating each other's purity, our spiritual lives were stagnant as result.
After a summer missions trip that kept us apart from for two months. I ended the relationship.
"We have to break up," I said to her one night after a movie. We both knew this was coming.
"Isn't there any chance we can have something in the future?" she asked.
"No," I said, trying to add resolve to my voice. " No, it's over."
We broke up two years after we'd met. Not quite "forever," as I had promised.
Living For Myself
My own self-centered approach to romance started young. Even though i grew up in a Christian home, by the time i reached junior high i had embraced a very ungodly attitude toward relationships. I didn't fear God. Despite my parents' diligence and godly example, i was living for sin and my own pleasure.
The older guys on my gymnastics team bragged about the difference girls they had slept with. I was mesmerized by their stories. Sin sounded so enticing. With a friend i stole pornographic magazines from a bookstore and pored over them, stoking the fire of my own sinful cravings - I was enslaved to lust and girls were nothing more than objects to satisfy my desire. One night i stuck out of the house for a prearranged meeting with three girls and made out with each of them one after the other.
Looking back, i'm sickened by these memories, but at the time i only wanted more. The fact that i remained a virgin during those years is, to be honest, a miracle. it had everything to do with God's mercy and nothing to do with any self-control or virtue on my part. I can easily be brought to tears when i think about where i'd be today if God had not chosen to intervene.
God convicted me of my disobedience through a message given by Randy Alcorn at a retreati attended my freshman year in high school. Randy spoke about heaven. He talked about how Jesus died for my(our) sins. Even though i claimed to be a Christian, as i listened i knew that i wasn't living for God. I had to change.
I repented of my sin right then, and when i got home from the retreat i threw away the pornographic magazines and paid the bookstore for what i've stolen (I was too embarrassed to tell them in person, but i left a note with the money on the counter). At the same time i quit the gymnastic team and got involved with my church youth group. My next girlfriend was a Christian and we didn't even kiss. I became a student leader and gained reputation as someone who was serious about his faith. I assumed that my love life was now pleasing to God. But i still had a lot to learn.
Not Quite Forever
Althoughi'm grateful for the changes i made then, i now recgnize that much of it was superficial. I wasn't sneaking out to meet girls in the middle of the night anymore, but most of my wrong attitudes remained the same. My main concern were still my own gratification and the fun i could gain from relationship with girls. I liked the way i felt when a girl liked me. I enjoyed the rush i got from flirting or expressing my feelings to a girl. I was still very immature and selfish.
In church my friends and i played the dating game with passion - more passion, i regret to say, than we gave to worshiping or listening to sermons. During sunday morning services we passed notes about who liked whom, who was going out with whom, and who had broken up with whom.
During my sophomore year, my involvment in the dating game took a more serious turn. That summer i met Kelly. She had just become a Christian and was new to my church. She was beautiful, blond, and two inches taller than me. but i didn't mind. Kelly was popular, and all the guys liked her. Since i was the only guy who had nerve to talk to her, she ended up liking me. I asked her to be my girlfriend at the youth group water-ski retreat and sealed our new relationship with a kiss.
Kelly was my first serious girlfriend. Everyone in our youth group recognized us as a couple. We celebrated our "anniversary" every month. Finding ways to spend time together and worrying about the current status of our relationship consumed my energy.
Kelly knew me better anyone else. After my folks were asleep, Kelly and i would spend hours on the phone,often late ino the night, talking about everything and nothing in particular. We though God had made us for each other. We talked about getting married someday. We began to express our feelings phyisically. I promised her that i would love her forever.
My parents didn't want me in a serious relationship, hey enjoyed the time she spent with the family. Their love for both of us blinded them to the fact that we were headed in a dangerous direction. They had no idea about our sinful physical relationship. I hid from them. I never lied outright to my mom and dad, but i half-answered questions and tried to put things in a better light.
Like many high school relationships, our romance was premature - too much, too soon. And our struggle against sexual sin was a losing battle. Though we never actually had sex, we were dishonouring God. We were violating each other's purity, our spiritual lives were stagnant as result.
After a summer missions trip that kept us apart from for two months. I ended the relationship.
"We have to break up," I said to her one night after a movie. We both knew this was coming.
"Isn't there any chance we can have something in the future?" she asked.
"No," I said, trying to add resolve to my voice. " No, it's over."
We broke up two years after we'd met. Not quite "forever," as I had promised.
Chapter One - Isn't There a Better Way?
PART ONE -
SO THIS IS LOVE?
Beyond What Feels Good, Back to What Is Good
IT WAS FINALLY HERE - Anna's wedding day, the day she had dreamed about and planned for months. The small, picturesque church was crowded with friends and family.
Sunlight poured through the stained-glass windows, and the gentle music of a string quartet filel the air. Anna walked down dthe aisle toward David. Joy surged within her. This was the moment for which she had waited so long. He gently took her hand, and they turned toward the altar.
But as the minister began to lead Anna and David through their vows, the unthinkable happened. A girl stood up in the middle of the congregation, walked quietly to the altar, and took David's other hand. Another girl approached and stood next to the first, followed by another. Soon, a chain of six girls stood by him as he repeated his vows to Anna.
Anna felt her lip begin to quiver as tears elled up in her eyes. "Is this some kind of joke?" she whispered to David.
"I'm...i'm sorry, Anna," he said, staring at the floor.
"Who are these girls, David? What is going on?" she gasped. "They're girls from my past," he answered sadly. "Anna, they don't mean anything to me now...but i've given part of my heart to each of them."
"I thought your heart was mine," she said.
"It is, is it," he pleaded. "Everything that's left is yours." A tear rolled down Anna's cheek. Then she woke up.
BETRAYED
Anna told me about her dream in a letter. " When i awoke i felt so betrayed," she wrote. "But then i was struck with these sickening thoughts: How many men could line up next to me on my wedding day? How many times have i given my heart away in short-term relationships? Will i have anything else left to give my husband?"
I often think of Anna's dream. The jarring image haunts me. There are girls from my past, too. What if they showed up on my weddng day? What could they say in the receiving line?
"Hello, Joshua. Those were some pretty lofty promises you made at the altar today. I hope you're better at keeping promises now than you were when i knew you."
"My, don't you look nice in that tuxedo. And what a beautiful bride. Does she know about me? Have you told her all the sweet things you used to whisper in my ear?"
There are relationships i can only look back on with regret. I do my best to forget. I laugh them off as part of the game of love that everyone plays.
I know that God has been faithful to forgive as i've asked Him to. And i know that the various girls have forgiven me, because i've asked them to.
But i'm still aware of the consequences of my selfishness. I gave my heart away too many times. And i took from girls what wasn't mine.
SO THIS IS LOVE?
Beyond What Feels Good, Back to What Is Good
IT WAS FINALLY HERE - Anna's wedding day, the day she had dreamed about and planned for months. The small, picturesque church was crowded with friends and family.
Sunlight poured through the stained-glass windows, and the gentle music of a string quartet filel the air. Anna walked down dthe aisle toward David. Joy surged within her. This was the moment for which she had waited so long. He gently took her hand, and they turned toward the altar.
But as the minister began to lead Anna and David through their vows, the unthinkable happened. A girl stood up in the middle of the congregation, walked quietly to the altar, and took David's other hand. Another girl approached and stood next to the first, followed by another. Soon, a chain of six girls stood by him as he repeated his vows to Anna.
Anna felt her lip begin to quiver as tears elled up in her eyes. "Is this some kind of joke?" she whispered to David.
"I'm...i'm sorry, Anna," he said, staring at the floor.
"Who are these girls, David? What is going on?" she gasped. "They're girls from my past," he answered sadly. "Anna, they don't mean anything to me now...but i've given part of my heart to each of them."
"I thought your heart was mine," she said.
"It is, is it," he pleaded. "Everything that's left is yours." A tear rolled down Anna's cheek. Then she woke up.
BETRAYED
Anna told me about her dream in a letter. " When i awoke i felt so betrayed," she wrote. "But then i was struck with these sickening thoughts: How many men could line up next to me on my wedding day? How many times have i given my heart away in short-term relationships? Will i have anything else left to give my husband?"
I often think of Anna's dream. The jarring image haunts me. There are girls from my past, too. What if they showed up on my weddng day? What could they say in the receiving line?
"Hello, Joshua. Those were some pretty lofty promises you made at the altar today. I hope you're better at keeping promises now than you were when i knew you."
"My, don't you look nice in that tuxedo. And what a beautiful bride. Does she know about me? Have you told her all the sweet things you used to whisper in my ear?"
There are relationships i can only look back on with regret. I do my best to forget. I laugh them off as part of the game of love that everyone plays.
I know that God has been faithful to forgive as i've asked Him to. And i know that the various girls have forgiven me, because i've asked them to.
But i'm still aware of the consequences of my selfishness. I gave my heart away too many times. And i took from girls what wasn't mine.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
I Kiss Dating Goodbye - Introduction
THANKS FOR PICKING up this book. Some people never get past the title.
"My friends won't touch it," one girl told me. "They hear the title and say, 'There's no way i would ever do that.'"
One guy urged me to change this title. "More people would read it," he said. Maybe he's right. I heard story of a confused bookstore customer who asked the owner for a copy of I Kissed My Date Goodbye. Now there's a book with a message people would read!
I decided to call this book I Kissed Dating Goodbye because i want to be up front with you - there are some radical ideas on these pages. Most other books on dating tell you how to make your pleasing to God - even if that means taking a break from dating.
So let me make a simple request. Just read the first chapter. If nothing in it grabs you, that's fine. But I think you'll discover that something in this book could help you.
You see, i don't want to argue with you about whether or not you should date. Yes, I'll be honest about the problems i see in the way most people date today. But ultimately my goal isn't to convince you to stop dating. I want to help you examine the aspect of your life that dating touches - the way you treat others, the way you prepare for your future mate, your personal purity - and look at what it means to bring these areas in ine with God's word.
So even though in one sense this book is about dating, in another sense dating isn't really the point. The point is what God wants. Discussing if or how to date isn't an end in itself. Talking about it serves a purpose only when we view it in terms of its relation to God's overall plan for our lives.
You may not agree with some of the things i write. That's okay. My hope is hat you'll stick around to see what i have to say. If you at least walk away from this book with a little more wisdom, my mission will have been accomplished - and your life could be enhanced. I pray that the ideas shared here will bring you a little closer to God's desire for your life.
So thanks again for picking up the book. Thanks for reading more than the title.
Joshua Harris
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)